Friends Continued

So, the difficult part about sharing your thoughts to your friends is that no matter how highly you think of them....you still have to be vulnerable! My husband laughs at me that I can hardly pronounce the word, much less live it. I must admit, I have built some pretty high walls in my life so being vulnerable takes a lot of effort. Actually, it's not the act of telling or writing to someone that I like or appreciate them that is the hard part. It's the space between them getting that information and what they do with it that's difficult. First of all, now that I write this, I can't believe the window I am allowing others to see how much I analyze my life. Whew! Growth, change....it's all good right? Anyway, when I have written my thoughts and gave it to a friend, sometimes there is silence. That's fine. I want it that way, the intention was to give with nothing in return. Yet, it's quiet. The doubts start to creep in. Are they now thinking I'm needy, stalkerish? I don't worry about this with long term friends, but I've tried to step outside the box and share my thoughts with some new pals as well. Then the other reaction is a thank you. Oh no! That's worse! I instantly get a gratification that they appreciated the gesture but then just as fast, start feeling the guilt of it's not supposed to be about me! I didn't do it to get anything in return! Who can win in that scenario? Nobody baby. I guess what I'm musing about as I do this is that it doesn't take much for me to reach out to those I like and let them know. What is more difficult, more vulnerable is to accept it back......
If I was really bold, next month I would reach out to people that are not my friends at all. No, bigger still, I would reach out to my family.

September is Friend Month!

Ok, so September is the month that I get to tell friends how much I appreciate them. Easy right? Eh, not as much as I thought. I thought it would be a piece of cake because, let's be honest...it's what I'm good at. Let me start at the beginning....as a child, an only child that moved around a lot, I did not have a close friend. I had friends along the way, but not that special friend that I watch my own daughter search for now. I tell her all the time, "What do you mean, you have tons of friends!" But I know exactly what king of security she is hunting for. I finally found Tammy Birdwell in 3rd grade but alas, we moved AGAIN in 5th grade and things got more difficult from there. By the time I was in 7th grade, I had been in 7 schools. I had some friends in high school, but I lacked that key factor of trust. Looking back, I have always treasured the real thing...no wonder I didn't trust anyone, we were all trying to be someone else! After I got married at the ripe old age of 21, I started finding some real life long friends. I realized early in my marriage that as close as we were, he could only take so much of my deep talk. Since then, I have made some fabulous friendships and made my life and marriage well rounded at the same time.
I guess my problem with the friendships that I have made is that we can never stay in the same town. Maybe it is the American 20-30 year-old way, but I have grabbed on to some spectacular friendships, only for them to become some absolutely wonderful long distance friendships. Don't get me wrong, I still have some fantastic local friendships that I am tremendously thankful for, and they are building stronger as we speak. It's just funny that the absolute closest ones are the ones that change. Why does that happen? Why is holding on to them so important to me? I guess somewhere along the way, I learned that other women are not always the enemy, but the ones that share a common story, heartbreak, life struggle, sense of humor. I started out this life, first liking only animals, then liking only boys, and finally finding that my sisters could be the nicest surprise that I find in life. What is so hard about thanking them for that....well, that will have to wait until next time cause we are out of time.