My Christmas Letter

Greetings and happy holidays! We hope this finds you in good health and spirits! What would a year be without another move for the Crawford’s? Yep, we moved again, but this time we broke new ground by moving back into a house we previously lived in. We are still in the same neighborhood but in the house we originally built. I’ve decided that it is easier to move than it is to spring clean. I’m kidding.
Our family is well and enjoying some really fun times now that the kids are of optimal adventure age! This year we visited California, Tennessee, and Utah on vacations. We played tourist in Tennessee with Papa, Grandma and Mimi, while catching up with some friends, as well, in Knoxville and Charlotte. We went to Disney in June for Riley’s birthday and the ability to go all day long without a stroller or need of a nap was a huge bonus! Scott got a chance to mark off an item from his bucket list on this trip by attending the US Open in San Diego. Scott’s “best friend” Tiger won with a knee injury as you know, and we all enjoyed the breakdown of the match at dinner time for many nights! The kids and I were happy to oblige his adventure, as we played hard on the beach. Later in the fall, we went to Zion with Nanny and Marc. We hiked, and hiked some more, taking in all the breathtakingly gorgeous rock formations, views and wildlife. We had an all around fantastic time and look forward to broadening our enjoyment of hiking into a family passion. Add these trips to a few visits to Las Vegas, a trip to CA to see the Vols loose, some camping romps and weeks upon weeks of swim meets and we were a very busy group this year!
The kids are doing great! Makenna is still swimming and has made regional times in several races, although breast stroke is still her favorite. We will be attending regionals in February. She is fast in the water and rather pokey on land so we have nicknamed her “Turtle.” Riley has tried a few sports this year including basketball, flag football and baseball. He enjoys them all but sometimes gets a little excited. Every once in awhile, I will cringe as he runs over an opponent and occasionally close lines his own teammate. He says it’s an accident but I say it is embarrassing. Scott says not to admonish him because you can’t create enthusiasm; you have to already posses it. That’s fabulous, but now I have to practice my sympathetic look as I walk by the mother of the kid that was clobbered. Speaking of clobbered, we are finding that being so far from the south has not hindered our kid’s passion for the Tennessee Vols! Makenna will play Rocky Top on a continuous loop as she cleans her room; so many times that even a diehard fan would tap out. (Remember she’s pokey) Riley has Gator hatred at a very young age….they are very close to earning a trip back to Tennessee for a big UT game!
Scott is in his 13th year with Baker and Taylor. He has stayed very busy this year because libraries tend to be very popular in hard economic times. I became a substitute teacher for high school this fall and am getting an education about the teenagers of today. I ride a fine line between being cool enough to get their respect and not letting my mouth drop openly at their conversations and attitudes. It makes me wonder if convents could become en vogue again before my kiddos enter that phase. Oh well, the job ensures that I am home to help with homework and sports activities after school so that’s the most important to me right now. In the meantime, I’m also enjoying being open to anything new that comes my way.
We are still enjoying the pleasure of our dogs Lucy and Kaydee’s company. Kaydee is our elder golden retriever and turned 11 years old this month. She’s still hanging in there and is as sweet as ever. Lucy started as a Marley type experience but has mellowed in her middle age and we really enjoy taking her camping with us. Overall, we are all healthy; enjoy raising these cool, fun kids; and look forward to the adventures ahead. We both feel blessed to get to go along the ride of life with them. We hope to see even more of you this year and look forward to our time together. God bless you and your family with great health, precious time, and a prosperous 2009!

Friends Continued

So, the difficult part about sharing your thoughts to your friends is that no matter how highly you think of them....you still have to be vulnerable! My husband laughs at me that I can hardly pronounce the word, much less live it. I must admit, I have built some pretty high walls in my life so being vulnerable takes a lot of effort. Actually, it's not the act of telling or writing to someone that I like or appreciate them that is the hard part. It's the space between them getting that information and what they do with it that's difficult. First of all, now that I write this, I can't believe the window I am allowing others to see how much I analyze my life. Whew! Growth, change....it's all good right? Anyway, when I have written my thoughts and gave it to a friend, sometimes there is silence. That's fine. I want it that way, the intention was to give with nothing in return. Yet, it's quiet. The doubts start to creep in. Are they now thinking I'm needy, stalkerish? I don't worry about this with long term friends, but I've tried to step outside the box and share my thoughts with some new pals as well. Then the other reaction is a thank you. Oh no! That's worse! I instantly get a gratification that they appreciated the gesture but then just as fast, start feeling the guilt of it's not supposed to be about me! I didn't do it to get anything in return! Who can win in that scenario? Nobody baby. I guess what I'm musing about as I do this is that it doesn't take much for me to reach out to those I like and let them know. What is more difficult, more vulnerable is to accept it back......
If I was really bold, next month I would reach out to people that are not my friends at all. No, bigger still, I would reach out to my family.

September is Friend Month!

Ok, so September is the month that I get to tell friends how much I appreciate them. Easy right? Eh, not as much as I thought. I thought it would be a piece of cake because, let's be honest...it's what I'm good at. Let me start at the beginning....as a child, an only child that moved around a lot, I did not have a close friend. I had friends along the way, but not that special friend that I watch my own daughter search for now. I tell her all the time, "What do you mean, you have tons of friends!" But I know exactly what king of security she is hunting for. I finally found Tammy Birdwell in 3rd grade but alas, we moved AGAIN in 5th grade and things got more difficult from there. By the time I was in 7th grade, I had been in 7 schools. I had some friends in high school, but I lacked that key factor of trust. Looking back, I have always treasured the real thing...no wonder I didn't trust anyone, we were all trying to be someone else! After I got married at the ripe old age of 21, I started finding some real life long friends. I realized early in my marriage that as close as we were, he could only take so much of my deep talk. Since then, I have made some fabulous friendships and made my life and marriage well rounded at the same time.
I guess my problem with the friendships that I have made is that we can never stay in the same town. Maybe it is the American 20-30 year-old way, but I have grabbed on to some spectacular friendships, only for them to become some absolutely wonderful long distance friendships. Don't get me wrong, I still have some fantastic local friendships that I am tremendously thankful for, and they are building stronger as we speak. It's just funny that the absolute closest ones are the ones that change. Why does that happen? Why is holding on to them so important to me? I guess somewhere along the way, I learned that other women are not always the enemy, but the ones that share a common story, heartbreak, life struggle, sense of humor. I started out this life, first liking only animals, then liking only boys, and finally finding that my sisters could be the nicest surprise that I find in life. What is so hard about thanking them for that....well, that will have to wait until next time cause we are out of time.

Humble, Part 2

So I had planned on discussing how another time this month how I humbled myself in the name of humbleness, but something today grabbed me more. I'm in this bible study group, great group of ladies from all points of view regarding the study we are doing about having false gods and putting God first. I always seem about 3 lessons behind and straining to remember all that I've learned during our meetings. So, knowing that another gathering is coming up, I decided to try to catch up a little today. Mind you, just because I have only written about being humble one time, it doesn't mean that it hasn't been weighing on my mind...A LOT! I've questioned myself more than once if I was sure that I wasn't just being a push over for a month. I continued to just take deep breaths and say that it feels right...blessed are the meek, turn the other cheek. Today though, it became clear. My verse to read was James 4:4-6. The highlighted part was "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." It hit me as soft as a feather and as hard as a brick, simultaneously. I was in line in trying to be more humble to others....but even more to the point was to be more humble to God. Being humble to your friends and neighbors, that's all well and good. Being humble to the one that gives you life, that's all well and GOD.

Back to the Resolutions

So back on track with the resolutions, July was giving compliments and I did ok, I guess. It was easy to give some to the kids, and a few with my husband. I can't say that it got much bigger than that though. Like stated before, the adding things on will be a lot more difficult. I didn't have any resolution planned at first for August. The month creaped up on me because of school starting. Not many days went by though, when the month's goal landed in my lap. August is going to be about adding humility. I was confronted by someone who shared with me that they felt I was cold, guarded, and my close friends make other people feel 'less than.' Wow, ok. That was heavy. I would be lying if I said this is the first time this was thrown my way. Heck, my own mother would probably say that I have a way of being hard to reach and distant. The truth is when I am around people that make me feel very comfortable, talking and sharing come easily. But, in a large group or mixed variety of people I tend to feel the vibe and perpetuate it. No one is going to say that I give the warm and fuzzys constantly, I agree. I don't think it's fair though to look at one aspect of a personality and judge so severely about it. This person didn't have the ability to see behind the scenes and see that many times I was working to include others to gatherings...even though the gatherings did not come off as warm and sincere.
There are plenty of friends that I have found that love the whole package of what I offer, so I could have defended my actions and cried foul. Instead, I let the words sink in and heard a voice say, "humility." Wrong or right, she wanted to be heard. Part of me immediately wanted to be that woman who says, "Can't please them all, bye!" Part of me let the words seep into that sad place and thought, "See, she just said what you have known all along..you are not good enough." But the best part of me remembered that I had been praying for God to guide me, use me, show me, and so I decided to be humble. I am not willing to wear everything she said, but I did hear everything she said.....and I turn the rest over to Him.

My Affair

I have to interrupt my usual talk of resolutions and goals to spill out a confession. I've been thinking about it for days and I simply have to purge it out of my mind so I can get on with my laundry. When I went on vacation last week, I had an affair. For years now I have been married to Arizona. At times I admit I am married to her out of necessity...where else I am I going to go, my husband and kids are here? Other times I have really enjoyed the relationship. I have friends here, February is divine when the sun is shinning and the skies are a stunning blue, I can be in a different climate in two hours and in one of the natural wonders of the world in four. But I really slipped up when visiting my first love this month, the south. It started innocently enough. Every visit back I always enjoy the ride to my mom's house from the airport, full of lush green trees and grass. I always wake up the first morning, walk out to the deck and drink the assault of green into my senses. Then inevitably I get stuck in the tourist traffic, get bitten by 20 mosquitoes, sneer at the haze in the sky and go home to the good ol desert. This time however, I took things a step farther and it cost me. I decided to go visit my friend in Charlotte. I had taken the route many times before when I lived in Charlotte and my visited my mom in Tennessee. I must admit I knew what was in store, but I did it anyway.
First, the car that I borrowed was tiny....so we started the trip with excitement/fear/prayer right off the bat. I had no choice but to go slower than normal (it started shaking when I reached 70 mph) so I started drinking it all in. We started with rolling hills, outlined with large green trees. Then we cross over bridges with miles of water and boats flying by with skiers zig-zaging behind. Then we reach the mountain pass where we are crossing over the Appalachians. Beautiful landscape does not describe well enough the lush green trees and mountains. Throw in some scary curves with some trucks beside me for the danger factor and I am hooked, line and sinker. Arizona who? Things don't get better when I arrive at my friends, who lives in a suburb of Charlotte. This particular suburb has tree lined streets, old houses, new houses made to look like old houses, all built around a fantastic college (puts in a little bit of edge to what otherwise would be the Truman Show). Her house is all but perfect, with hard wood floors, a curved staircase, high ceilings, my favorite colors on the walls, and I kid you not, a white picket fence. If she weren't one of my dearest pals I would be incredibly jealous....who am I kidding, I was still incredibly jealous. The good times continue with great conversation and our kids hanging out with each other as naturally as if they were raised together. The weather cooperated in this breakdown of my resistance, of course. In two days, I had a little bit of everything. It was hot, it was lovely, it just so happened to throw a big thunderstorm party while I was out to dinner. While others there may have found it an inconvenience, while sitting in a cozy booth I drank in the rain, lightning, thunder and even hail, like I had been thirsty for years. After all of this wonderfulness, I got to do the return drive. When I returned to Tennessee, I was exhausted. and my mind was spinning. Tell me why again I live in the west? Why exactly did I agree to a "few" years of western adventure and end up staying here for eleven and counting? I know, I know, it doesn't really matter where you live, if you are with your family and friends, you are lucky and where you are supposed to be. For years I talked about going back to the south because I connect to it, because it makes me feel at peace, content. I had started to question that feeling because it had been a few years. Was I just used to longing for the south because that is what I am used to doing? I got my answer last week....I still have a piece of my heart stored up for that land, that life. I am back now to the current marriage of AZ. Not all is bad, I still look for the positives in our relationship...the sky is very blue today and we are halfway through the long hot summer. I look out at the greenish parts of our neighborhood and think it's better than nothing.....and it will do for now. By the way, the kids did get MANY mosquito bites....but I think in my southern lifestyle drunkenness I told them it was mosquito kisses. Hey denial is common in affairs, right?

May and June Resolutions

So May was control...and of course I was tested on that. There is no possible way to give up total control but I did my best to remind myself on a daily basis. When I wanted to obsess about what someone thinking about me, my body image, my kids, I reminded myself that I really wasn't in control. This thought did bring about a calmness in me, I must admit...except for the one time while Scott and I were on vacation. We were out of cell phone range, stayed at an unplanned, spontaneous cottage by the beach and time was ticking before the bed time talk with my kids. I had been having the most incredible day and then suddenly upon realization that I would not be telling my kids goodnight, I fell into a black abyss of panic. Even as I explained to my husband that this was God's way of teaching about control, my voice kept getting shriller. This time talking out loud didn't work. Of course the next morning, as soon as I heard their voices, I was fine to go about my day. I know this is an illusion of contentment deep down. I know logically that if something happens to me or them, the security of a phone call lasts all of one second. Somehow it sustained me all day. Foolish girl. At any rate it was my feeble attempt to control control. I need to continue to work on this one!!
June has been to give up TV. Not too bad, despite the lack of consideration in my household. Seems my thoughts of grandeur that my husband and children would be trying to accomplish this fete with me should be disposed of completely. The hardest point for me (who am I kidding, I chose June so all of my shows were off) is the night time bed TV watching. I read more for sure, and here I am typing (not as much as I thought I would), and overall I think I let go of at least 50-60 meaningless hours of TV this month. That has to promote brain growth, right?
Now half of the year is over and I accomplished trying to take something out of my life each of the 6 months. What have I learned? I can take away quite a few things if I put my mind to it, and while I don't think my habits are out of control, it's good to take a look at the different aspects of your life to see where you can cut back or cut out. What's next? The hard part, adding things in to my life for the next 6 months. I don't even know where to begin. I know I want to push myself to be creative but that's about as far as I have gone. Maybe compliments to my children, vulnerability in showing my loved ones my feelings, reading the bible, showing love to my husband, kind deeds to my friends and neighbors? That's five months right there. I have a couple of days to come up with my first choice, until then- goodnight.

Catch Up

So, wow. That was one busy move that I did! I moved houses and then threw a baby shower a few weeks later...that makes for a lot of lists and busy days and weekends! What it neglects is blogging. Not in the mood, too tired, easier to fold laundry and watch tv at 9 o'clock, than it is to sit and consider my thoughts and feelings. So where to we begin? I still continued to take my month resolutions, with some success, some screw ups. It's been a nice experiment to be sure! February was no alcohol. It was actually easy (I like the black and white) until it came to the very end of the month and I was moving into the house. I had boxed, moved, painted, sweat myself so much that all I wanted the 29th of Feb was a extra cold beer. Let's just say that I stayed up till midnight just to make it happen. Nothing like going from iron will to desperation in a matter of hours. I hated the thought waiting for the hours to tick by to have something. It wasn't supposed to be like that.
March was about not yelling. That was not so easy in a two story house in the first month of moving. I failed a few times...but if I caught myself from loosing my temper at my kids, it was worth the effort of trying.
April was about no fast food and caffeine. It hurt when I was out running errands and wanted to grab something on the go. It wasn't like I was longing from McDonalds from my house for sure. The caffeine was hard as Scott had morning coffee and I had decaf tea. It doesn't taste the same to be honest and I missed the extra umph that I had in the morning. I hated the caffeine headache though - showed me how horrible caffeine is. On a positive note, I drank a lot more water! So now I am doing half and half, and do a lot fewer fast food stops!
May was going to be no criticism but I have just changed my mind. My daughter just called to tell me good night from a sleepover from a new place. I thought about not letting her go to a house that was not one of my closest friends. I ran through several different scenarios of how it could go badly...but then I realized I needed to let go of some control. Letting go of control is one of my biggest obsticles so it is a natural choice for May. Even saying it makes me take a deep breath, think of God, mentally makes me picture letting go of the wheel and giving it up. It is a perfect exercise of what I should be doing on a daily basis. Now, granted, just like the rest of the months, I will be tested. I'm almost afraid of how much. But, I have to be ready...its a good one!

No alcohol, lots of stress

Well, a week with no alcohol and it has been pretty easy, needless to say. I didn't think it would be overly difficult but I also knew the stress would be coming with this move we are making. I think this resolution has good timing because without this outlet of evening relaxation, I am dealing with the stress in a different way. Yesterday when I was packing up mementos, pictures, old baby videos, I was pretty down. I tried to figure out how we got here and tried not to think about the financial piece of it. Then I made that conscious decsision to start thinking more positively. Instead of escaping, I might as well accept and think of the bright side. It worked for today at least...tomorrow is another day to tackle!

The Complaing Month Comes to a Close

Whew, I am afraid month number one is almost over and not very successful on all levels. Instead of repeating myself about how hard it is to determine complaints, fix complaints and be aware of complaints, I will make a wish list for what I'd like to keep in mind for the future months of 2008. I want to remain present, to try to think about what I say before I say it. My mom always tried to teach me that and despite being a slow ex-southerner, words still come out without thinking it through. I want to try to notice that I search for connection. Therefore, I let intimate feelings about children, spouse, teachers, etc out to my friends. Is it productive? At times I think so, but often it seems like venting becomes just a habit and something to talk about. Sure, it reinforces my thoughts and then allows others to agree, disagree, and connect. But, Yikes, how often do I instead tell the people I care about how I feel about them....instead of sharing how I feel about someone else?

I liked the last post reply from Megan. I am yet to get to this verse in my bible reading for the year but I like it. Megan wrote from Romans Chapter 7:20 - I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. vs. 21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ my Lord. And then chpt 8 starts out with:Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
This reminds me that what I try to humanly do in this instance is impossible because I am just that, human. I can tell you first hand, that I felt very helpless in this task at times! I am left to pray for strength and awareness on a daily basis. February is no alcohol. Should be easy....I've had two children for goodness sake. Something tells me though, considering the stress I am going through at this time, I will wish for an escape.....which is why I take on the challenge. At the end of this year I am left with my word, and I will accomplish at least this month in my resolutions.

Ah, Complaining...the bane of my existence

So, days have ticked by and complaints have danced around my lips and swirled in my head so many times I've lost count. I have two young children, a husband, a small community and 10 pounds to loose....a saint would have a hard time without popping off a little something here and there! I've had look closely at why I chose this for my first month of resolutions. What was my point. I come up with two things, really. First, I do hate mindless, do nothing complaints. That's why when I read a Martha Beck article about trying to stifle the complaints to create more action, I jumped on it. I must say that when a school issue came up last week, instead of just discussing what I didn't like about it, I also wrote some letters, went to a meeting, got some people stirred up. Went out of the box a little. Mission accomplished in that way I think. On the other hand, I also picked this topic first because I thought it would make me more mindful. I find myself wishing to be more mindful and aware all of the time. I can compare it to my spiritual life most of all. A couple of days can go by and I forget all about that I'm supposed to be having this daily conversation with God. This exercise has not really helped me be more mindful at all times though. I can be for a moment. Like, ok, here comes a neighbor...make sure you are complaint and gossip free. Very good. But an hour later....bam! And then again, what is a complaint? Is pointing out that I hate clutter in my kids room a complaint? What about, my husband made me so upset today...and then spew the details out to a friend? I feel like I teeter on the higher side of positive for the most part..so am I being too critical of myself? Wouldn't be the first time, my friend. So far, I feel like the hardest part is to be present, to catch my thoughts before they become words. Will keep trying though.....

Month One - No Complaining, Gossip or Judgement

Ok, starting my year of monthly resolutions, January is going to be one that I work on cutting out complaining. It seems easier to start with considering it's my birthday month. Sugar, alcohol, TV, could all be deemed too difficult to keep in a birthday month. However, complaining isn't that easy because it rolls off the tongue before you realize it. So far I have to keep reminding myself to be mindful of what I say. I'm not a huge complainer I don't think so I am going to add gossip and judgement to the list as well. This process is supposed to hurt a little and create change. I've already broken the gossip rule but that is before I added it so I'll start now. Should be interesting.......

Later: I just got home from a friends and I gossiped and complained! How arduous! How serious am I about this? Very, I would hope...yet, how quickly I fail. The reason I want to do this particular test is about an article I read about if you cease complaining, you make change instead. If I don't say that my children are picky eaters, I try to find ways to change the behavior. The friends that I talk to though feel the need to say...when you talk to me, you are just venting, just having a sounding board. They want to validate the conversations we have. True, yet is it a help to be validated or a hindrance? So many of us put in a thought or omission to our friends and they back us up or compare our lives to others. The help? Makes us feel normal, validated. The harm? Just one more notch toward being catty, justified in being judgemental. I say if it makes you feel a little gross after, then it's not cool. I've had anxiety problems, I know the consequence of holding it in, believe me. But there is a fine line, I believe. Not to mention, the husband, who is totally against, emotion, reflection and the like, thought we were nuts talking about parents, other friend relationships, children and the like. Trust me, several years ago I would have gagged also. I sit here living the life that I dreaded with all of my might. Reflection and talking is the only thing that gets me through, for sure. I just long to do it with integrity and not have the feeling of being like a clucking hen when I'm done. I resolve to do better tomorrow......